I need you

This heart of mine, you are so heavy,
the pumping pulse of my every breath,
the stone of my very steppe descent,
life bringer and memory holder,
vice of my ever present remembrance of not being enough,
I wish to stay asleep but every ounce of blood you pump carries your stories,
I have always fallen short of being worthy,
because I am not good enough.

God if I am so broken why did you allow me to live,
if nothing good can come from me why do you bless me,
if I am a failure why do you give me vision,
if I am useless why do you make me a pillar to people,
am I just a tool to use and discard,
that my heart does not matter,
a door mate to receive the dirt of peoples walk,
cut it out, leave it be a black hole,
so that there maybe no life in me,
just the endless torment of darkness,
the cold void of crushing strength,
I will not know peace but at least the hurt will make sense,
how can one devoid of love know peace then,
how can one devoid of the pulse of life know how to be a blessing.

I am tired father, I am exhausted, devoid of strength,
I am tired of pouring into people’s lives,
Only to have them selfishly rip out my heart because they got all they can,
I am a person, I deserve love, I deserve peace, I deserve…..
Don’t I father, is my heart not good, is my soul a dark harbinger…..
Tell me father, am i to wander this earth without peace,
what would I call this life,
except to call it a harmonious torment of a bleeding heart.
I am bleeding today father, I am oozing life out of my heart,
worthlessness filling the halls of my mind,
Cover me, I am afflicted and without peace,
hear me. I am tormented and crawling today,
hear me father, in my imperfection hear me.
I have no one else to cry to,
I have no shoulder to learn in that can wipe away this hurt,
no human hand can cut through my chest to touch my heart,
I am gasping for air father, I need you to survive.

I am losing my way father, I am forgetting all you showed me,
I am forgetting the ways you made for my feet,
I am beaten and battered father,
this broken heart of mine, trampled and filled with sand,
I gave too much to the wrong people, trusted the wrong souls,
shared my life with wolves, and here i stand broken,
knocking at the door of your home,
I need you maker, take my heart and make it clean.
I would rather die than live with a vile heart,
I would rather die than feel the sand coursing through my veins,
to feel it etching away in the veins of my soul,
maker, hear my cry because I cannot cry to a human any more,
I cannot cry to the people who shun me when i fail,
I cannot cry to the people who wave my weakness at me,
I cannot cry to the people who cannot see my strength,
I cannot cry to the people who would rather see me evil instead of good.

God hear my heart, maker touch my heart,
Help me father, help me bear this pain,
help me stand and lift myself up because I have been beaten by many,
I have been robbed by many,
I have been crushed by many.
Am I evil father, than no good can exist in me;
are you able of conceiving and suffering an evil child in your courts,
You said you are not a liar,
I do not have anything to trust except those words,
I need you father.

I need peace, those who hurt me, I need love so I do not hate them,
I have always fallen short of being worthy, but you still love me,
I need you now, strength cannot fade from me,
I cannot die, my life must count for something,
Father my life must count for something,
I am tormented and afflicted,
I trust you, only you to see me through,
mend this broken heart of mine,
mend this broken soul of mine,
I cannot live this life bleeding,
oozing blood in the sand with each step,
mend me, if I cannot call on you, who can accept me without ill intent,
My life needs to count for something,
mend me, I need to live, love and bless.
I cannot die.

2 thoughts on “I need you

  1. Wow Russell. This whole thing was pretty deep. I pray that the Lord heals you in every area of your heart that may hurt. I don’t know what it is that you are going through but just know that you are not alone or as lonely as you think you are. God hears and sees everything and He will provide comfort to your soul. It seems that you are going through some trust issues. I don’t know if you’ve faced betrayal or something, but just know that God can even heal this level of hurt in your life. It may take time, but you will heal and grow stronger and wiser. Don’t allow the hurt to dig you into a pit called bitterness and cause you to stay there. Rather, climb out of that pit and hold onto God’s hand and He will bring you closure and the healing that you deserve to move on and keep on keepin’ on stronger and wiser than ever before. Life deals us with so many lessons, but the most important thing is to have the lesson learned. Let the past stay behind you and you keep on pressing forward towards your bright future.

    Stay blessed!
    Sherline. 😀

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