Disturbia: Chapter 9(I Changed)


Everyday I would study my prey, the day of vindication was almost at hand. We were approaching my birthday in November and that day had lost all sense of meaning in my life. I natured my anger until very few good words could come out of me. All the years I had endured were finally going to end. Six years of desiring a girl who then rejected me were going to end. I was sitting in the library reading when I felt the sudden urge to go to the toilet. I walked with my usual slow and composed step while my face showed no joy. I ascended the stairs and got to the first floor of the high school block. There was a toilet right at the end of the corridor but I felt the urge to go to the second floor toilet. I ascended the stairs again and reached the second floor. I entered the corridor and just as I was about to go into the toilet I picked up the voice of someone who was talking. His voice grabbed my attention. I started following his voice and entered into the class his voice was coming from. I looked at him from head to toe and listened to what he was saying. He was talking about God! I smiled because I wanted to start an argument with him about how fake Christianity was. I walked in and sat down and started listening thinking of ways to attack him. Subconsciously I began to listen to what he was saying. He spoke of how God was looking for a person who he can use for his works. He said, “God is looking for a person who wants to carry his banner but there is no one who wants to.” I sat there and debated with myself. I was a catholic; I went to church every Sunday and said the catholic prayers while admiring girls in the congregation. I was convinced I was a Christian even though I didn’t totally believe in the God business. I asked myself a question, do you know what it was Gary? Yes, I think I have a clue. You asked yourself “why is God not using me?” Bingo Gary, bingo! Why was he not using me, I was a Christian. I prayed and I read the bible at times but why not me. Does he hate me too? Was it that when one father hates you, the rest hate you also?

 

I sat there debating with myself and then the guy’s last words crept into me. He said “if there is anyone who wants to give his or her life to God and carry his banner, come and let me pray with you.” Instantly, time froze for me. I was there, alone and I began to think of all I had planned, all I had seen, felt. All I had experienced. All the pain I kept inside. All the sick things I had partaken in. All the lust and adultery I had committed. I sat there and tears almost crept out of my eyes. I wanted to walk away but I could not move. Something was wrong with me; I didn’t know how to change it. I didn’t want to be the person I was anymore; I could not live like that anymore. I wanted all of it to go so that I could learn how to smile again. I didn’t even remember the last time I smiled. I wanted to see the sun rise and set and say that it was beautiful. I wanted to be human again! I spoke in a low voice and said “if there is a God out there, you have seen my suffering; you have seen me and what I desire. I cannot live like this anymore. If you are out there God, help me change. I cannot live like this anymore. Can I believe in you because I have nothing else to believe in?” After saying those words I stood up and walked to the front. The guy knew me and called me by name and asked me what was going on. I said to him “everything is wrong in my life, I just want it fixed. I do not know anyone else to turn to. I have been covered in chicken blood, I want to murder people, and I have so much hatred. I just cannot carry this anymore.” He nodded his head and told me to lift my hands into the air and to repeat after him. I repeated after him saying “Lord Jesus, I come before you today, acknowledging that I am a sinner. I have sinned against you father and against people. I have fallen short of your glory. I have sought to kill men, to rape girls. I have so much anger and hatred in me, so much deceit and lust. I confess Lord that I am a sinner. I ask that you may forgive me of my sins today. I ask that you may redeem me from my sins and give me a new life. I ask that you may give me a new life in you and deliver me from my past ways. I receive you into my life and into my heart right now Lord Jesus. I acknowledge you as my personal Lord and Saviour. I pledge my life to you now and forever. I say this prayer in your name Lord Jesus, amen.”

 

When I opened my eyes, the first thing I said was “I feel different”. A smile broke out on my face for a brief moment. On November 15 2004 at exactly midday, I gave my life to God, 14 days from my birthday. I finally chose to let it go and let the past be the past. I began my transformation, my rebirth, my new beginning. I walked out of that room feeling changed and beginning to feel the burdens of my heart being lifted. Finally I had found the change that I so drastically wanted. Finally peace had settled into my heart and my old skin was pealing off. My evil twin vanished and never came back. The last words in my heart before I died were “Please God take my heart and please do not break it. It is all I have left of me.” Finally, I died. My life, that I had named Disturbia” had finally ended. It was all over Gary. I was free!

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