I was going down Gary, I knew it, and I could feel it. I was now delusional; I was now bitter and unable to trust. I kept to myself and did not want to be touched by anyone, not even mommy. Every sense of insecurity, every emotion and every sickened desire was at its peak. I got transferred to a private college and that made my academic life more interesting. Coming from a boy’s school straight into a mixed school was a prospect that came onto me too fast. My father had finally resolved to pay for my school fees for the first time since the day I was born. The only reason I think he supported that was because I had passed my final exams in the previous year. Life at the college was different. Members of the opposite sex were bountiful and that in itself was a mild version of Temptation Island for me. Everywhere I looked I admired the beauty of girls. The brightness of their clothes, the tone of their skin and all the scent of their perfumes. I began to silently plot and devise ways to achieve my satisfaction. The first person on my list was my father. I still wanted to stab him the way I wanted to before. I was going to achieve my satisfaction by seeing him bleeding and lying in a pool of his own blood just like my heart was. Mommy was going to be different. I wanted to hang her. I wanted hide in the sealing right on top of her bedroom door and drop a nose through a hole straight onto her and break her neck as she walked in. Her suffocating would bring me satisfaction after all; most of the life in me had been sucked out of me. My siblings were to suffer a painful death for leaving me. I wanted to shoot them using a bow and arrow. The arrow was going to pierce their hearts. That pain they would feel when the arrow entered their hearts, their crying and agony would satisfy me after all, they pierced me when they left.
My cousin’s heads were going to hang. Like the grim reaper in the night, I was going to come, one after another, covering their mouths and cutting open their throats. I would leave them gasping for air then come back for their heads. My satisfaction would be fulfilled by seeing them in their dying moments just like I was. Those girls who rejected me, all of them, were going to accidentally fall and break their necks. All of them! I knew of their whereabouts everyday and I knew where to catch them and how to stage every accident. My satisfaction would be fulfilled by seeing them falling just like I was. I would find peace knowing that people have seen my pain, they have understood my struggle. I would finally find peace having known this. I had it all mapped out, my teeth were sharpened for piercing the skin of my victims. All that was left was the perfect timing. I knew all about my victim’s whereabouts. The girls where unfortunate that I would know every aspect of their lives including everything they are wearing. Stalking had become such an addictive habit that it birthed in me sexual desires and lusts. My desires would be met, I was confident in that conviction.
Days at school were long and boring. I did not blend in much with the social structures at school. I kept to myself and a few classmates that I spoke to. Books were the order of the day while I silently kept track of girls who I found to be most attractive. Two fitted my requirements list. They were both so beautiful, so gorgeous I dreamt of nothing more than them being in my arms as I violated them over and over again before killing them. Each time I starred at them I experienced the moment I was lusting for. They were best friends and I began to propose my undying love to both of them. One did not know about my intentions with the other and vice versa. My tongue, so sweet, my gifts, so romantic! I misled them into thinking I was the one for them. They however finally discovered that I was trying to get to both of them at the same time and confronted me about it. They made a scene in public, cursing and mocking me. I stood silent feeling the urge to strike and kill but my conscience told me to wait until they were alone and vulnerable. I walked away laughing as if all they had said was somehow amusing. They posted all the letters I had written them on the school notice board for all to see. I loved the publicity; I loved how people would laugh at me. I knew that it was building up my anger and ruthlessness for the day that my prey will fall into my hands. They were going to pay for rejecting me, for humiliating me and for refusing to give me what I wanted. They were not going to fall accidentally like the others but they were to suffer a more heinous death. I was going to catch them at school, lure them to a private room under the pretence of me asking for forgiveness. Subdue and restrain them. Then I would beat them to death like I beat the banana tree, one after another. No screaming because their mouths would be sealed shut by super glue. Their hands tied to their backs and their eyes wide open to see how much affection I had for them. They were the last on the list of people to die. They were going to seal the deal before I killed myself. After my father has bled, my mother has hung, my sisters have pained and all have perished, then I would kill myself.
I would now lie and wait like a lion for the day that I would show the world that I was not a woman but that I was a monster. I would lie and wait for the time of vindication.