Corey, when you say; “you were the loose end to the rope that had to be cut off”, what do you mean. I am so glad you asked Gary. Now can I ask you a question before I answer your question? Of course Corey, shoot. Gary, have you ever been in a place where you are the odd one out, the one who is destabilizing the equation? Yes, I have been in that situation a few times. Excellent, then you will understand what I am about to tell you. There is no way I can make you believe, all I can do is tell you as it is and hope that you find the conviction in yourself to believe what I am telling and going to tell you. Let me paint a picture for you. Listen carefully!
Yesterday, oh yesterday. You held me mommy, you held me in your arms. Yesterday you taught me all that I knew; you were my father and mother. Yesterday you showed me the affection only you could. Today I have changed; I have lost all that you taught me yesterday. You taught me love, I now know hate. You taught me not to steal but I now want to destroy. You taught me not to desire evil but all I see now is the evil desire burning in my eyes. Why didn’t yesterday build a better today mommy? Why did yesterday die to yesterday and today uncover my nakedness? Why did today rob me of yesterday’s peace? It was him, that dark star in my life. It was him, the Egyptian pharaoh who tormented me through my lifetime. It was him, that man; he robbed me of my today. He tarnished my yesterday to give me hell today. My thoughts blow with the wind, I can no longer see where I am going, and the compass I used yesterday does not work anymore. I do not know where to go now. You do not understand mommy, that man destroyed me. He made me an enemy unto myself. He created me, he made me, and he is my father. My tears stained my pillow, cracked my cheeks and flooded my mouth. The salt in my tears made me taste pain. Lash after lash, my body cried in agony, seeking mercy and peace. My hand took not because it wanted but because it needed to. Day by day the drums of his approach would sound and I would flee to my bedroom. Living in terror because that man was near. I held a knife in my hand seeking revenge but I could not touch him. How could I kill that which you love, how could I take from you that which meant a lot to you? My today is dark, it has no meaning. All the words are countless and void. Repetitive like the sounding of the church bell at midday. Booming in my ears yet I could no longer hear the message they carried. I am blind, I am numb, I am deaf, and I am no more. There is no tomorrow for me in this life. I die today so that I do not have to see my self tomorrow. I die today so that the vision of that man may be fulfilled, that my evil twin may rejoice, and that I may be at peace because I can no longer carry the burden of hate, lust, perverseness, anger and depression in my heart. You will not see me tomorrow. You will weep tomorrow; you will finally see why I hated that man. You will tear your shirt in agony; you will experience what I went through. You heart will bleed; my burden will then become your burden for you will have finally seen and experienced the life that I lived. The life of rejection, depression and fear. My today will become your today, your tears will cut your cheeks, and your voice will shake mountains. Your weeping will carry your resentment. I shall not speak anymore, my life must end. I am embracing my tomorrow where ever it will be. Live your today well and see you in your tomorrow.
That was my suicide note Gary. It was me Gary. It was me. I was not man enough to do what I said I would do. I was weak; I was a woman like all those boys said. I was the weakest link in the equation. My father was right to beat me; I deserved no comfort, my flesh needed to be torn off just to show how worthless I was. Such were my thoughts at that time Gary. Imagine telling yourself that everyday and try to visualize the results! I grabbed my combat knife and put the note on my bed for my mom to read when I am gone. It was time for me to walk onto death row. Looking through the glass, I could see my father, my evil twin, all the people who had ever hurt me, my mother, my siblings, some of my cousins, everyone. My eyes closed embracing the chill of the moment as the apex of the knife was placed on top of my chest. I said “Goodbye” but I could not push the knife in. I opened my eyes and the knife was still in my hands. I could not end my misery; I did not have it in me to take my own life. Anger rose up in me with burning fury and I thrust the knife into the door and sat onto my bed clutching the hair on my head. My evil twin was laughing, “coward, woman, you are just like your father, weak, idiot.” Pictures of me running away from my father and him following me and lashing me popped into my head. The image of when I almost killed him popped in. All the girls who had rejected me because I was weird, I had a big head or I was too short came into my head. My head spun in confusion. An evil grin covered my face as I felt the urge to now kill everyone who ever hurt me or came against me. My father, my mother, my siblings, some of my cousins, the girl who said I was too short, the girl who said I was weird, the girl who said I had big head and the girl who told me to get off her case. All of them, they had to die. I wanted to cut out their hearts and feed them to the dogs. I wanted to drink their blood, to leave them hanging naked as they had left me. They were going to pay, big time!
It was time for the locust to eat the man, it was time for the zebra to chase and topple the lion. It was now time for me to take my last stand. The time of my fall was at hand. The dawn of my death was shedding its light into my heart. Liberation was coming! I could feel that something was going to shift my life completely. But I did not know what it was.