Crawling Moments: Chapter 14(Stopping clocks)

Some hours later Henry showed up at Joe’s house and simply handed me the key to the apartment, and as he turned to walk away he said, “You know where I am if you need me. Be safe, I can’t force you to do anything. Oh, I told Belana where to find you but I asked her to give you some space so I doubt you will see her for a bit.” I took that as a cue to head back to my usual pad of disgruntled comfort. Joe escorted me and left me by the door of my apartment. I remember the moment our eyes met when he was about to leave. Gosh, even I at times wondered why he’d remained steadfast with all the rubbish I put him through but I guess in a sense such is human nature. The place hadn’t changed much except for the disorder I had left. A knock came from the door and I was thinking it was Joe so I turned to open the door and as I did I was greeted by the ever so convenient Detective Jonathan Ross. I tried to differentiate between the emotions of anger or the feeling of utter disgust but either one of them seemed to be fitting for the situation. “What do you want Ross? Oh, and this time you are not coming in!” He scanned me from top to bottom and seemed puzzled to an extent. “We got reports you were assaulted in the alley at the back of this building some days ago but we couldn’t find you afterwards. Now I see you walking into your apartment without a scratch. I can’t help but to wonder what really happened.” I was feeling awfully brave in that moment so I opened the door widely and rested my left shoulder on the door frame with my hands folded on my chest. “Wow, Ross does not have the answers today! Why don’t you go back to your source and ask how badly I was beaten. While some of you were stuffing your faces in starch based delectable’s I was getting my butt kicked. Had to be saved by someone I know close to nothing about. I don’t feel obliged to comment as this is not police business so if you are done!” Ross smiled a bit and turned to walk away but as he walked he turned his head, “You do know you are a suspect in the murder of Danny. I just can’t seem to find any evidence on the charge. I would be wary of who I piss off if I were you!” He continued walking and a cold chill raced down my spinal cord. Me, a suspect?! I looked at Danny’s door and flashbacks of what happened that night began to race into my mind and I could hear his voice screaming and the wall-bashing. My mind became filled with sharp and penetrating noises that caused severe pain in my brain. I fell to my knees and managed to close to door before I fell on my side and passed out.

A vision came to view in my unconscious state! I was in a room full of clocks; old, ancient and new. They were all showing the same time but they started slowing down. The ticking sound of analogue clocks began to echo in my brain and the alarms of digital clocks were going off. I looked at the time and they all didn’t show time anymore but they had words written on them, “Time is over!”  Nothing made sense so I rushed myself to try and wake up and soon enough I was awake. I had passed out for a few minutes and I woke up with a hunger for some coke. I rushed into my room and got some money and left the apartment. I made my way to Jamey’s place as fast as I could and got there in record time in my view! I knocked at the door and he came to see who was at the door. He saw me and smiled and opened the door. I didn’t have time to say hi, I simply gave him the money, close to forty bucks, and he went to the kitchen. He got me the stuff and gave it to me. “I put in extra for being a good customer. Ey, I have people coming over later tonight so if you want, come over!” I didn’t have time to respond to that as I opened the package and dipped my finger and took out some powder and put it into my mouth. I felt my senses come alive again and I rushed home to enjoy the rest. I made it home in Olympic time and I was confident even Usain Bolt would have envied my record. I opened the door and rushed to close it. I went into the kitchen and cleared the kitchen counter. I took some of the cocaine and sniffed it but I didn’t finish all of it. It seemed like an overdose if I did. I heard footsteps coming from my bedroom towards me. I moved out of the kitchen a bit to get a better view and there he was. “Corey!” He was holding my bible and laughing to himself. He looked at me, “The enemy came to steal, kill and destroy but I came to bla bla bla. I believe those were your words at one time when you read this bible. ‘I come to bring life and life in abundance’ is how it ends! I see you have finally become an addict. I wish you wouldn’t do what you do to yourself. God loves you so much; I just wish you would notice that. But in time I guess all things will be made whole. After all, it is the same God who says ‘despise not the makings of a perfect man for in the end there is peace!’” He put down the bible and walked over to me and gave me a hug and opened the door and left. I wondered about the last part he had said but I didn’t know what to think of it. I was feeling good, too good to care about him or God. For a few hours I was a god in my own sense and night time came. I got ready to go to the little event at Jamey’s house. I got dressed and took some more coke and got into an even better mood. I left the apartment and went to the party. I got there and for sure there was something happening there. I didn’t see Joe around and there were a lot of people I had never seen before. Jamey saw me and came over to greet me. “Hey Rose, glad you could make it. Go to the kitchen if you need a fix but linger around and have some fun.” I took up his offer and went to the kitchen and had a sniff, or two, I think. Don’t quite remember. I do remember that I added alcohol on top of it and I became high so to speak. I started dancing with this guy who simply couldn’t keep his hands off me. Later we found our way outside to a secluded alley and things got wild and crazy. We had sex in that alley and parted ways soon after. I started feeling sick as soon as we were done. My head was rolling and my stomach was hurting, it felt like it was on fire. I fell to my knees and onto my back. I rolled on the ground for close to thirty minutes as the pain got worse and worse. I began crying thinking about the pain, the craziness all around me and all I was doing. I thought of Joe and how he would feel about what I did. The pain started lifting but I was drained of energy and couldn’t walk home. I crawled up next to a dumpster and spent the night there. I didn’t get much sleep, if at all I slept was a miracle. Dawn started coming up and I felt a bit stronger. I got up and walked home slowly. I got to my apartment close to forty minutes later. I had to stop a lot along the way to take a rest. The stairs in the apartment building were the greatest hell. I fell down on my first attempt and slightly twisted my ankle. I broke into a loud cry with gushing tears as the pain was horrible. I eventually made my way to my apartment and when I got in I closed the door and collapsed. I didn’t have the strength for anything anymore. I was cold from being outside too long and my ankle was not being friendly at all.

Drifting in the fragile state of my mind, I hoped Corey would show up like he usually did and heal me or give me strength or something. I spent the better part of the day on the floor. Around mid-afternoon I managed to get up and grab something to eat. I got a bit of energy back and I took a shower and went into my room and looked for something to wear.  I remembered I hadn’t ironed any of my clothes and look at the batch from the laundry adventure earlier on. Strangely they had all been ironed and well folded. I didn’t put too much thought to it as I just grabbed something to wear and went into the kitchen. I had cereal and ate anything that I could that wouldn’t require too much energy to make. In the process of eating I saw the unfinished cocaine. I debated in my mind whether to take it or not. The debate helped put nothing good in motion as I stopped eating and sniffed up the rest of the cocaine. I felt good again and I felt like I was in control. I ate what I had put down and as I finished up there was a knock at the door. I went and opened it and saw Jamey at the door. “Hi! I wanted to see if you got home ok; I didn’t see you leave so I wanted to check. I brought you this. Don’t worry about paying, you can do so later.” I took the package knowing what was inside. “Don’t worry I can pay you now!” I went to my room and got money and gave it to Jamey. He waved and turned to walk away. As he was walking away something seemed to enter his mind and he turned to face me. “A guy at the party died last night. They say he was bitten by a snake or something on his way home! Anyway, I got to go.” When it sank in that I had done the same thing I did to Danny, to another person I struggled to think. I broke into tears and a web of confusion engulfed me as soon as Jamey left. For a number of hours I sat with my back against the door, crying and crying and crying. I didn’t see a purpose to living if everything had gone so wrong. I stood up and went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. I thought I could stab myself but guess I didn’t have it in me. I used the knife to cut open the package from Jamey and I sniffed up a lot of it. I felt so rotten inside that nothing I did mattered anymore. I went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. Jonah was right; I would never be beautiful again! I saw a bottle of painkillers that was in the bathroom. I opened it and took out a handful and chucked the pills into my mouth. I swallowed them and hoped I would die from drug overdose. Moments later, I began to hallucinate massively. I was seeing dead people all around me who were saying they had come to take me. I recognised Danny and the guy from the alley. They haunted me in every place I looked and bloodlust was all over their faces. “We are coming to get you. It is time for you to die! We are coming to get you. Thursday!” The day that day was a Saturday. For a long number of hours hallucinated figures were all around me and I was going crazy. I called Belana and I was speaking nothing that made sense. She tried to talk to me and help me but she struggled to make sense of me. All I heard her do was pray. “Goodbye Belana, you have been a good friend. Thanks for helping me. I have to go now; they are here to take me!” I cut the phone on her. Moments later a message came into my phone, “You are not ready to die, you don’t have what it takes to kill yourself. You are not going anywhere.” I knew that was Corey speaking. I didn’t die that day or that night either. I didn’t manage to sleep either. I was afraid of going to the chaos dimension or meeting my hallucinations.

The next day I went to the department store and bought a lot of ail. I passed through Jamey’s and bought a lot of cocaine too and went home. I drugged myself and drank that Sunday until I passed out. Monday morning I went to the department store again and bought rat poison. I came home and took a huge dose of cocaine and backed it up with a bottle of whiskey. I spent the better part of the day dangling on the line between passing out and remain conscious. I continued to drink well into the early hours of Tuesday. I passed out at around dawn. I woke up and ate around 2 o’clock in the afternoon as I was feeling insatiably hungry. I followed the same routine soon after. I drank, took cocaine and lamented over my life for the better part of Wednesday. I refused all contact with the outside world. I wouldn’t answer my phone and I wouldn’t answer the door. Early morning Thursday I was very drunk and lost. Hallucinated figures came in through the walls and stood around me. “We have come to take you with us!” I didn’t run and scream like a girl. I got to my feet slowly and staggered to the bathroom. I looked into the mirror one last time and had flashbacks of the entire ordeal. I saw my father, I saw my mother, and I saw Danny! I saw Joe and imagined if he would ever see me as beautiful again. My time was up; I had lost all sense of living. I took the rat poison, opened it and gulped all of it. It didn’t take long for the poison to kick in. My stomach erupted with unbelievable pain. Like the boiling pits orc caves from Lord of the Rings, everything in my belly was boiling and pain was rushing through every neuron of my body. I fell to my knees as I couldn’t stand the pain and crawled into the lounge. My hallucinated escorts to the valley of the undead where there waiting. I tried to withstand the pain but it was too much. I was losing touch with life and I could feel it. I thought of Joe, I thought of my life and I thought of all I had done. For sure I deserved to die; I deserved to die for what I had done. The pain became excruciating beyond the bounds of reality. I fell to my side and saw myself falling into the pit of fire again. I saw Joe and felt what I felt when I was around him. I saw Belana and the moments of friendship we had. I saw my mom and my dad in the good years. I was slowly foaming in my mouth! And in that moment I realised I didn’t want to die. I wasn’t ready to die and I didn’t want to die.

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