Crawling Moments: Chapter 9(Defeated Trust)

Most men are so sweet, saying words so sweet to the ears with their slick tongues. Gosh, one would be a fool to think the earth is robbed of artistically creative people. Soothing masters of the ear that wants to be lied to! Everyone has a deep desire to feel wanted, needed, admired, liked and affectionately praised but to what degree must one bend the curve of logical thought for the sake of being emotionally bolstered with words of conniving serpents? It is hard to think there is any good in a man for in the end even the most promising, the most attractive, the most outstanding, the most principled are sadistic pieces of rubbish littering the face of the planet and robbing desperate hospitalized people of their much needed oxygen. Through this thought in the end, women can call men dogs but that would also disqualify the few men out there who are worth every hustle and tussle. One thing I have learnt though, it’s not always the men we suspect who turn out to be what we suspect, it’s always the ones who are under our noses who are most dangerous.

Joe that morning took me home and left me outside my apartment building. He promised to come back later to check on me and I told him my apartment number. I ascended the stairs feeling all warm and glittery inside as if a dormant candle inside me had finally been lit. Wow, what a moment that was! When you meet a guy and you think he is the ‘it’ and that no one else in the world matters except him. You always want him around you, the feeling of crazy love or crazy whatever it is will be a decadent dosage of aphrodisiac necessary for you to progress through the day. I felt all this and more! Joe had touched the right fuses inside. I had only known him for a night but I was ready to defend what I felt for him against the world. I thought of happy moments to come while I was advancing towards my apartment, such a toxic imagination at times. Well, truth be told, the hangover had its own take on matters and I felt that I was not in my right frame of mind at all.

I unlocked my apartment, got in and locked myself in. Soon enough I was on my bed speeding off to dreamland. I slept for a while and I remember going into bed at 0615. When I woke up it was just after 3 o’clock in the afternoon and I felt as fresh as a bird. I took a shower to scrub off all the party sweat and get a sense of freshness back into my life. Feeling like a stale piece of bread is not a comforting feeling for one like me. You will have to fight hard to keep the flies away! As soon as I stepped out of the shower, there was a knock at my door! I wrapped myself in a towel, well any suggestions on what else I could have done? I rushed to the door and opened it and as expected it was Joe! “Fashionably late, I expected you an hour ago! Is this how you keep a lady wondering?” As if I was up an hour ago you know, but I had to drive from somewhere so please try and understand! He came in and closed the door behind him. He kissed me on the cheek and moved from me and sat on the couch. “Nice to see you are in an ever so charming mood. Remind me to make it a point to be late by an hour from now on.” Well, I ran out of words to reply so I just signalled that I was going to my room to change. I changed into something casual, like ‘the girl out on a walk with her dude’ kind of casual and of course, the hat! Joe was much of a clotheshorse, everything about him had to be in so much coherence or else he would seem to be out of place. It was always the jean, the shirt, the cap, the sun glasses and then the Nike sneakers. Gosh, a tiresome routine if you ask me! After finishing the girl dress up routine, I came and sat next to him and gawked at him for a while. I don’t know what I wanted at that moment. I guess I just wanted to know where we all were with respect to how we were horsing around with each other. “What do you think about me Joe?” Joe did not give a hint of anything away, he just remained composed! “I think you are a beautiful girl, a nice person and a pathetic dancer!” The last part of that statement felt like a pump action shotgun round on my arse! “Ok, moving on then, how do you feel about me?” He smiled a bit and now looked me in the eyes, “I want to know you more. No violence, I just want to know all about you. I like you!” I guess that’s all that I needed to hear because on the inside a volcano erupted and I felt utter joy because I had hooked a seemingly good guy out of the ocean of sharks, stingrays, jelly fish and killer whales! I hugged him and I put all the warmth I was feeling at that moment! Could this be love, the whimsical tale of a happy everlasting story that has decided to grace me in my moment of turmoil?

But the correct question one like myself would ask is that, why would such a good thing come at such a bad time? Talk about bad timing! It’s like finding out you are pregnant with another man’s child when you are about to be married to the man of your dreams. I knew what I was and if I messed around with Joe, I would kill him in the end. I couldn’t let him stay around me because I didn’t know what would make me blow a fuse and I would hate to kill him. I burst into tears while I held him and I felt all the warmth in me disappear for in that moment I truly realised that I was meant to be never loved, never desired, never needed! Like a repulsive smell, no one would want to be around me. Joe didn’t know what I meant when I told him that I could kill him and I doubt he would understand it even if I told him. I released my hold on him and asked him to leave. He was really shocked and surprised but at least he was a bright boy. He got up and waved good bye and left my apartment. I doubted he was going to come back anytime soon. Who in this age messes with severe nutcases like me? It is like trying to put butter on a saturated sandwich, it will have little effect. I felt so horrid inside, like I truly did not deserve love or anything of that effect. The curse of the damned truly exists because I had partaken of its evil fruit. I tried to stop crying but the tears kept rolling down my cheeks. All the hurt, all the deaths, all the pain I have felt, all the things I had seen and all the things that had been done to me had now suddenly bore their quiet intensity on me and I felt like a grain of sand in the vastness of a desert. Why me of all the people? There are millions of girls my age out there; why me? Why did my mom have to die, my dad die, and everything around me turn so rotten? Why did it have to be me? Did God even at all see me as his creation or something he built from the left over clay of his masterpieces? He didn’t love me; he didn’t even love me for what type of a Father would leave me to such a horrid existence?

I was falling apart and I knew it! I rushed into my room and put on some slippers and I ran out of the door. I ran after Joe so hard because I thought he would be far away by now but as soon as I got off the last flight of stairs I saw him sitting on the bench outside. My heart for that moment rejoiced because I so wanted to believe that he was my answer. I wanted to believe so badly that I (her or Joe?) would take anything that came my way. I approached the bench trying to rub away the tears and sat next to him. I didn’t know what to think, what to feel, for in a sense even I did not want to be associated with me. To act like a deranged fool all the time would not be such an interesting quality to the eye of another person. I tried to turn so that I could look him in the eyes but I couldn’t. Tears trickled down my cheeks, one drop after the other like an approaching rain shower. I stood up and made my way for the door as I felt there was no reason to pursue Joe anymore. I couldn’t be loved; I was just too rotten, too disorderly to even be able to make a person have warm affection for me. Joe however grabbed me by the hand and pulled me back. I tried to run but he wouldn’t let me go and I tried to release his grip on my hand but he held it tightly. I didn’t want to be close to him but he didn’t want to let me go.  “What do you want from me Joe? You can’t love me, no one can! Let me be and let me die; maybe death will bring an unsung peace unto my rotting bones. At least in the grave I won’t worry that I am rotting for it is only by nature that I do so. To rot while I am alive kills the inner me, let me be! You don’t deserve trash like me!” I could feel him loosening his grip but he didn’t want to. I snatched my hand and rushed through the door and up the stairs to my room. I opened my door and closed it and fell to the floor in sobbing tears. “Why me? Why me you elemental beings of the universe? Why me?!” I could feel a strange pain all inside me as if every part of me wanted to cry out with me. I was now so lost in a web of confusion that even I did not really know why all this was happening. “God, many people lose their parents, lose their relatives but none have gone through what I have gone through. Taking my home, my mother, my father, my life, my hair, my dreams. By no right must you call yourself my Father for what kind of a Father would put their child through such pain? What king or a Father would abandon me in such a moment?” I kept on crying, getting lost in all the confusion and pain. What else could I do? How could a perfect life come crushing down like this? While I was on the floor there was a knock on the door and I seriously was not in the mood for visitors. “Go away; I don’t want to see anyone!” The person knocked again and again until I got so infuriated I got up and unlocked the door.

On opening the door I felt a surge of surprise rush through me. There stood the boy from earlier, the boy clad in black who spoke to me while I was coming from the police station. He didn’t wait for permission to come in, he just walked, closed the door behind him, went into my kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. “That water is not free you know. I don’t support charity. What do you want? Spit it out and be on your way. I don’t need your philosophical rubbish today.” Funny enough he didn’t drink the water, he took the water filled glass and came with it to the couch and he sat down. He tapped next to him and I took it as a cue to come and sit next to him and so I did. He put the glass on the table and looked me in the eye. He had such a cold stare and I felt terrified for a bit “Now if you are done bickering you will hear what I have to say. You say that God has no right to call himself your Father! I guess you don’t know the truth but for your sake I will tell you. When your mother died, your father suffered a great deal of pain for he was afraid to raise you on his own. He found comfort in riches and in his chase for financial gain he sold a soul to attain what he sought. The covenant was established and he got the riches he was looking for but in a moment of greed, he sought to not honour his covenant anymore for he felt he made a mistake. And so the being he made the covenant with had your father indicted in a fraud scandal in which he was going to go to jail for a long time. Your father not wanting that took his life but before he took his life he didn’t break the covenant that held the sacrificial lamb as his key to riches. Now that he is past, the being he made the covenant with by right owns this sacrificial lamb.” For a moment I paused to think why he was telling me all this. So who did my father sacrifice? Definitely not me because my father would never do such a thing. In fact, my father would never desire riches like that! These all sounded like fabricated lies. I stood up wanting to defend my father but he pulled me back down. I felt the urge to ask him because I was beginning to think that there might be a possibility. “Who did my dad sacrifice? Who is this person who was his door to riches? Who did he make a deal with? Tell me, I want to know!” I practically had a hunch on his answer and a tear had started rolling down my cheek. “You. Your father sold your soul for riches. He made a deal with the devil, Sylvanas’s master and that’s how you have come to where you are now.” I stood up and attempted to move from the couch but he followed me. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife and threatened to stab him if he came any closer. “Stay away, you lying, conniving thing! I will kill you! How dare you say my father did this to me? It is God, he hates me! Not my father, no!” He backed off a bit and kept his eyes on me. “If you think I am telling a lie, hear it from him.” At that moment he seemed to have gone into deep thought and suddenly Jonah just flashed into the room from nowhere. “Nice to see you Jonah, I believe you have some explaining to do.”  Jonah seemed still in shock and very uneasy as to how he got to where he was. “Corey, I hate it when you do that. What do you want? I really should have killed you when I had the chance.” “Thank you for your warm sentiments Jonah. Now if you don’t mind, explain to her how she is bound to your master, maybe she will believe you when you tell the truth for a change.” Jonah seemed very cautious as he didn’t take his eyes off Corey. “Your father traded in your soul for riches you little twit. Gees, it happens all the time, it’s nothing new. Grow up and just deal with it, you are ours now so don’t get any ideas.”  At that moment I felt like I had swallowed a whole ice cube and it was now stuck in my throat. I was fast running out of air and in so much disbelief. My own father sold me for riches. “Why’d you ask Juniper? Well learn this today, a broken man is the easiest person to make a deal with because he no longer holds his values and virtues on his chest but he is looking for a quick way out of the pain.” Corey nodded his head in approval and for a second I could feel everything inside me starting to crumble. “You can leave now Jonah.” Jonah vanished again and now it was just back to the two of us. My own father, such a hard point to swallow. I didn’t know what to feel anymore; to cry, to shout, to feel angry, to feel rejected and denied. Now everything made sense, the chaos dimension, Jonah, Sylvanas, this split personality of mine, everything! Ever been at a point where emotional pain actually ends up making your heart feel pain, I was at that point. I dropped the knife and sat down on the kitchen floor. Me; sold like a kitchen utensil! Corey came and sat next to me and picked up the knife I had dropped. “You know this used to be my best friend, but I guess a disturbed life can only repeat itself if it’s a matter of choice. You say that God has abandoned you! Fine, believe what you must! You saw that glass on the table? By the time you go to look at it, something will have happened to it. Tonight you will be on show.” Corey stood up and started walking towards the door and just as he was about to open it I felt the need to ask him a stupid question. “Corey, how much was I worth when the deal was made?” Corey stopped for a moment and turned to face me, “Round about five hundred thousand but due to your continued existence, the covenant is still operational and the covenant is now worth close to seven hundred million.” I laughed for a bit. Wow, what a selling price as well! I guess in a sense, I had now felt the truth of the deception that has led me thus far, the true element of defeated trust. Hell had always lain intrinsic in the gifts of Eden.


10 thoughts on “Crawling Moments: Chapter 9(Defeated Trust)

      1. i hardly ever write notes, i have a very sharp memory so i can remember the details of stories and how they link in flawless detail over a span of years. my memory captures things i see and don’t see while i am in contact with them and that allows me to describe things in terrible detail 🙂 Quite a weird gift really

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