Crawling Moments: Chapter 4(Closing Doors)

Ignorance is the virtue of the walking dead! The mind of a fool races with the wind as much as the mind of an oppressed man stands in a locked box with the key stuck on the palm of his hands. Had I seen the deepened levels of my ignorance, maybe I would have chosen differently. Deep in the crevices of my mind were all my regrets, for in this moment I was embracing a cold fringe world existence through an exile I had facilitated. “I don’t know doctor, I don’t know! Someone is in my head and I can’t get him out.” Such words seem like the notions of a child afraid of the dark. Truth is, I was afraid of the dark, I was afraid of the chaos dimension. I was now afraid of going to sleep and the only way to make it through was to find a way of staying alive without sleeping. “I am fine doctor, I just had a nightmare”. What else was I to say? He would have sent me to a nut case camp for all eternity if I didn’t act proper. I wasn’t about to become a brain dead cookie for the sake of a nightmare experience. The doctor nodded his head and then left the room. I had calmed down substantially and this led the nurses to leave me by myself. The ward was cold; a breeze was coming though the door as if Santa Claus and his vertically challenged elves along with the entire North Pole had camped next door. The cold felt terribly familiar but I tried as much as I could to deny it. “He is only in my mind, he can’t be anywhere else”. I kept on telling myself this as if I was a child trying to reassure myself that mom would not find out that I finished all the sugar in the sugar basin. It was only a few more hours to daylight. I looked around; trying not to fall asleep but there was nothing. Like the womb of a once pregnant woman who has just had a miscarriage, everything around me and in me was empty. Only a gaping memory of the fullness that once was alive in me and around me left its stain on my mind. How could daddy have died like that? Who do I have left now, I don’t know anyone except my two cousins Rudolph and Nancy. But both of them are in Europe right now, they can’t come here! I thought and thought until I failed to recognise that I was drifting into dream land again. Slowly my eyes closed and I lay there, asleep once again!

“Wake up Juniper”, a voice echoed into my ears. I opened my eyes and saw him. He looked ever ugly, cunning and shrewd. “What am I doing back here?” “You fell asleep and I guess you figured out what happens when you fall asleep after all. You do look like you have an ounce of brightness in you even though I doubt the substance of that fact. “His voice echoed into the deepest cracks of the chaos dimension as he stood there, right in front of me, cold, motionless and with a sickening smile on his face. “What is your name?” I asked him. He stood silent for a few seconds, “I am corruption; my name is of no concern to you. Worry not about my name, worry about what your name shall mean in the eyes of the people. For no longer will you be known as the pastor’s daughter but you shall be known as filth.” He came closer to me and touched my chin with the tips of right hand fingers while his left hand brushed over my cheek scar. “It is time for you to know what I will do to you. I will violate every fibre of your existence; leave you barren and horrid to any man’s eye. You shall try to take your life and we will come to get you when the time comes. All shall be taken from you and drunkenness will be your day and night. Cats and dogs shall know you by the smell of corrosion and death as your lose yourself in drugs. Many more you shall see. Now depart from me and embrace your fate”. It immediately began getting darker around me and I could feel that I was in motion. I suddenly woke up and it was sunrise. The doctor mysteriously walked in and said “The police are here to see you. However, after they are done you will have to leave because we cannot keep you here anymore. ” As soon as he said that, two men walked into the room and one of them said, good morning ma’am I am Detective Scott Anderson and this is Detective Sergeant Cranston, we are here to question you in connection with your father’s death.” I felt my tummy turn and my saliva was failing to go down my throat. “Sorry to have to question you at such a time but it’s important so that we can close the case. Ma’am, we know you were the last person we have on record as having been in contact with the deceased. Can you tell us what happened in the house the time I called? The two officers outside told me that you left in such a rush and something seemed suspicious.”

I looked at him and summoned the strength to speak. “You called while I was having breakfast. My father had left his phone downstairs and then I answered it for him and spoke to you. I don’t remember what you said but then he snatched the phone from me after I told him you were on the phone. After that we had a fight but I don’t remember what it was about and I left and went to church I think.” The detective shifted his sitting position and looked me directly in the eye, “I understand that the doctor said you have been out for a long time so please try to remember as much as you can. Did your father mention anything about his company’s running and deals, or show signs of being involved in some illegal dealings”? I looked at him wanting to blast him for calling my father a thief but then I quickly remembered how jumpy my father was when he took the phone from me. “The time you called, he seemed jumpy and in some form of a frenzy. I think he shouted at me for answering his phone and told me to never do it again. Yah, he was jumpy, that I remember, about what though I don’t know. He had been spending a lot of time on his cell phone as well. Something about ‘the tracks’ but he would always walk away if I ever got close. He told me to keep out of his business and mind my own business. Something like that! I don’t know if he had been involved in anything illegal but he was acting weird for some time.” The detective was taking notes and then his associate cut in and asked me “Did you have contact with him before he shot himself.” “I last was in contact with him at the house where we had a fight. After that I only saw him on stage and that’s when he shot himself.”

The detectives looked at each other and detective Anderson stood up and reached into his pocket. He pulled out his card and gave it to me. “Anytime you remember anything else please contact us. Due to the suspicion that your father embezzled people’s money, all his assets are being frozen immediately. This means the house you were staying in is under the state as well as all of his assets. I suggest you find someone to stay with until this whole mess is cleared up, good day Ma’am.” The detectives walked out of the room while my jaw was still down in shock. Where was I going to stay, I didn’t have relatives in town and the rest of the town wanted to murder me. All distant and demented thoughts of my nemesis in the chaos dimension came to bear in my mind. Slowly like any river that had burst its banks, tears started trickling down my cheeks.  Surely I had to be in a semi-real dispensation of a dream for I could not recall every signing up for such tumultuous events in my life. Like a cat left out in the rain, no longer did I had the comfort of a shoulder to lean on. All my answers were never sought for but were given to me so now how could I make decisions and come up with answers for myself. If at most my identity was assumed, once my assumption lost the foundation of its understanding then by no right would I have the pride to call myself a person. For in the end how could I call myself a person if I could not be able to survive on my own? Pain and hurt would be my new friends; tears would be my water until my tear ducts run dry. Hopefully by then I will have no reason to live anymore. Just like the closing door of a once so secure sanctuary, as you watch them close from outside, you will notice how weak and frail you really are. Tertullian in one of his writings said, “Women are frail, weak and without much understanding”. If I were to agree with him then I would be succumbing to the thought of being a weak, frail woman but it felt true in my thoughts. The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence! Looking strong but feeling weak would be all that would safeguard me now. Very soon the doctors would come to remove me from here into the ravenous hell holes of pit lords and demonic warlocks that are looking to rip off every strand of decent fibre from my body and give me corrupted alloys to further send me into a deepened state of emotional turmoil and torment. How I would survive, truly I didn’t know!  My world was now an endless twist of ethereal vexations, things I never thought possible. Already I felt hollow and undefined inside! I took the time to get dressed in what looked like the cleaned up clothes I came here in.

The doctor came in pushing a wheelchair soon after and I knew it was now time to step into death row. “I hired a taxi to take you wherever you want to go.”  I got off the bed and walked towards him. I stood before him with no words but a face of distant memories and ever so real scars. I sat in the wheelchair and he pushed me out into the main foyer. As the wheels of the wheelchair moved so steadily to an awaiting abyss, I noticed that everyone was looking at me. The looks on their faces were terrifying! Murder was spelt upside down on their faces and their eyes were mirrors unto their words. “She is the one! Yes, the one with the father who stole the money.” Those words trickled into my ears from all corners of the room as everyone talked about me. As we approached the door a woman came in through the door towards me. The police who were guarding my room were far back and I only had the doctor to count on. She approached me with an open palm and smashed it onto my bandaged wound with another open palm going for my left cheek. The doctor stepped in and grabbed her hands. The police arrived and restrained her. “You lying piece of trash, I will kill you! How could you and your father take all my money? You lying piece of trash, I hope you suffer, die even!” The front door was wide open and I could hear a crowd of people waiting for me outside. I was still rubbing my face trying to console myself for what was coming. What words were there to change the situation? Innocent until proven guilty only worked in Judge Advocate General movies and here I was about to face a fate worse than a court martial. The doctor took a hold of the wheelchair and pushed me forward. We came out of the hospital to be faced by an angry mob of people who were being pushed back by police. “There she is. You stole our money, our lives, and our dreams for our children. You will burn for this you hell hound, you will burn!” I was still shocked by the amount of disgruntled people that I never noticed a barrage of eggs that were coming my way. I turned my head unknowingly only to be hit on the left eye with one of the eggs. The egg exploded onto my face as I closed my eyes at the right time. The stench of the egg shook the bowels of my stomach. Another egg hit me on the forehead and exploded onto my hair while another hit me on my neck. The police rushed to cover me from the attack, but the damage had already been done. Mommy and daddy were the only people who knew I was terribly allergic to eggs. My stomach turned and groaned until I was forced to fall off my wheelchair onto my side and vomit. My face was covered in eggs and my hair marinated in vomit. My eyes started tearing as I lay in between the police and the doctor rushed to his knees to see what was wrong with me. My body started jerking uncontrollably and my mouth was foaming. Maybe it was the eggs, or the shock of the events or both but I really thought I was going to die. Hospital staff rushed to where I was and took me back into the hospital. I lost consciousness with the thought of all I had seen. Truly, my nemesis had done his work well.


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