Strength of a man

I have learnt something. The strength of a man, is not in trying to live a perfect life. But it is in taking responsibility for times where he makes mistakes and arresting his character and demand change of himself. If you can ever find that in a man, you have found a real man.

I need you

This heart of mine, you are so heavy,
the pumping pulse of my every breath,
the stone of my very steppe descent,
life bringer and memory holder,
vice of my ever present remembrance of not being enough,
I wish to stay asleep but every ounce of blood you pump carries your stories,
I have always fallen short of being worthy,
because I am not good enough.

God if I am so broken why did you allow me to live,
if nothing good can come from me why do you bless me,
if I am a failure why do you give me vision,
if I am useless why do you make me a pillar to people,
am I just a tool to use and discard,
that my heart does not matter,
a door mate to receive the dirt of peoples walk,
cut it out, leave it be a black hole,
so that there maybe no life in me,
just the endless torment of darkness,
the cold void of crushing strength,
I will not know peace but at least the hurt will make sense,
how can one devoid of love know peace then,
how can one devoid of the pulse of life know how to be a blessing.

I am tired father, I am exhausted, devoid of strength,
I am tired of pouring into people’s lives,
Only to have them selfishly rip out my heart because they got all they can,
I am a person, I deserve love, I deserve peace, I deserve…..
Don’t I father, is my heart not good, is my soul a dark harbinger…..
Tell me father, am i to wander this earth without peace,
what would I call this life,
except to call it a harmonious torment of a bleeding heart.
I am bleeding today father, I am oozing life out of my heart,
worthlessness filling the halls of my mind,
Cover me, I am afflicted and without peace,
hear me. I am tormented and crawling today,
hear me father, in my imperfection hear me.
I have no one else to cry to,
I have no shoulder to learn in that can wipe away this hurt,
no human hand can cut through my chest to touch my heart,
I am gasping for air father, I need you to survive.

I am losing my way father, I am forgetting all you showed me,
I am forgetting the ways you made for my feet,
I am beaten and battered father,
this broken heart of mine, trampled and filled with sand,
I gave too much to the wrong people, trusted the wrong souls,
shared my life with wolves, and here i stand broken,
knocking at the door of your home,
I need you maker, take my heart and make it clean.
I would rather die than live with a vile heart,
I would rather die than feel the sand coursing through my veins,
to feel it etching away in the veins of my soul,
maker, hear my cry because I cannot cry to a human any more,
I cannot cry to the people who shun me when i fail,
I cannot cry to the people who wave my weakness at me,
I cannot cry to the people who cannot see my strength,
I cannot cry to the people who would rather see me evil instead of good.

God hear my heart, maker touch my heart,
Help me father, help me bear this pain,
help me stand and lift myself up because I have been beaten by many,
I have been robbed by many,
I have been crushed by many.
Am I evil father, than no good can exist in me;
are you able of conceiving and suffering an evil child in your courts,
You said you are not a liar,
I do not have anything to trust except those words,
I need you father.

I need peace, those who hurt me, I need love so I do not hate them,
I have always fallen short of being worthy, but you still love me,
I need you now, strength cannot fade from me,
I cannot die, my life must count for something,
Father my life must count for something,
I am tormented and afflicted,
I trust you, only you to see me through,
mend this broken heart of mine,
mend this broken soul of mine,
I cannot live this life bleeding,
oozing blood in the sand with each step,
mend me, if I cannot call on you, who can accept me without ill intent,
My life needs to count for something,
mend me, I need to live, love and bless.
I cannot die.

Reflecting back on 2014

2014 has been a year where much has transpired, both good and bad. Looking at my original position at the beginning of the year; much of what transpired came as a surprise if not all. Some of the greater lessons i learnt over the year came from the human seat of dishonesty and selfishness.  Some also came from human compassion, loyalty and sacrifice that is not called for.

I got pressured and broken so much this year i walked a fine line between losing it all and breaking the threshold and gaining more. Much about how i had structured myself as an individual both emotionally and mentally presented such roadblocks to transcending my character. I had lived under such a cloud that i had never seen how much my assumed strengths were in actual fact strong faults. It took the selfishness and deceit of a cherished person to rip out my sense of security and leave me out for dead. But instead of dying i found will to live, to become better and to evolve past the treachery. The bad of 2014 which ended up the good of 2014 for in it lied such great opportunities for character correction.

Trial after trial battered me to the point of realisation and I chose to rewire myself instead of breaking down. Its not easy to accept that at the core one is broken and at my age rewriting years of history, character and habits seemed unreasonable but one thing I had now acquired was an overwhelming sense of will. I had to do it, i had to become better. I had to evolve and I did. I have now tapped into my raw energy not hindered by perks of character, a problem i had dragged around for a decade due to mental and emotional defences i could no longer dismantle. The good of 2014 assuredly. Losing a dear trusted and cherished friend was the bad of 2014, having been friends for 6 years and now he is not around anymore. Words can never express my gratitude to this man, what he sacrificed for me and what he birthed in me. The bad of 2014 but memories cry live on and prosper.

I found friends in people who I had never imagined to be friends, or i had never given the chance. They chose to sacrifice their time and effort to stand by me in a transformation that pushed me on the boundaries of insanity. Not always being able to handle me, they faithfully held on to me so that I had a beacon to look at no matter how dark my transformation became. For that I am eternally thankful because it reminds me that not everyone is maniacal and selfish. I will never forget your sacrifice for me, touching glowing red embers and not letting go, my loyalty you have for life. I chose not to hate or become condescending after my trials, for many people by nature are broken, untrustworthy and selfish, rather I am thankful i now developed the eyes to see past the web of deceit instead of hating and carrying a burden over years which would be of no benefit.

2015, greeted with hope, warm hands and optimism. I am ready to go above what I have been to shine in ways i have never imagined.

Gym gym gym

So in the name of good health i started going to the gym. Its been good, but today i got a different trainer. Guy looks like a wrecking ball (sorry Miley) and he drives a mean training regime. 

Am i suppose to be able to scratch my back with my hands because surely they dont feel like they are there. The humanity. Sigh No pain no gain, well put into retrospect more pain = close to death at your hands.

Will be going back tomorrow 🙂 

Every night…..

In your arms i sleep,

In your arms i have found peace,

I can’t sleep if i don’t feel you next to me,

Every night, like i have dreamt in times of solitude,

I rest in the embrace of my beloved.

Every night, i hear your voice,

See your face and your smile….

hear you talking, laughing….

Every night, like a dream you make me fall in love with you more…..

You are the sun… The moon.. The stars…

Every moment, Every night, you have touched my heart…

Buried yourself deep in it, made it your home…

Every night, every moment, my heart is yours #EZ